Five lessons from my 2019
Trauma has no purpose: I have said this before and I say it again. Trauma has absolutely no purpose in any of our lives. All this talk about, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is BS. Nothing should kill you in the first place. You don’t have to go through shitty relationships in order to find the right partner. You don’t have to deal with shitty people in order to learn the ways of the world. ‘Oppression olympics’ is stupid and trauma is no qualifier. It is unnecessary, it is evil. Staying out of it and away from it is the best way to be. For me, 2019 was far less traumatic than the previous years. Yes, I had shitty experiences but I also chose to not put up with toxic relationships. I also chose to step away from toxic situations. I also chose to protect myself. And it has been the best decision ever.
Over-extending oneself is foolish: 2019 taught me something so obvious — over-extending oneself, especially in relationships, both old and new, is foolish. There is no payment, there is no reward. In fact, the opposite happens. Depending upon your social location (and this is important) people end up perceiving you as more inferior when you over-extend yourself. Not only that, you also end up setting a precedent for the rest of the relationship. Are you always there — picking up their phone calls, listening to their shitty, frivolous worries, paying for and doing shit, always apologising or apologising right away, solving their crises, encouraging them when they’re feeling down, entangling their mess, firefighting for them, putting up with their tantrums, etc.? Well, that’s over-the-top, over-fucking-extending. Don’t. Like, ever. I’ve been doing this for far too long, with so many people, its fucking insane to realise how there has been zero payback, and worse, 100% shitty behaviour. No one deserves over-extension or side-mothers.
Mental health is not personal: Anxiety, depression, PTSD, and the like aren’t always personal or a function of one’s thoughts. We’re beings who are trying to survive in varied social contexts. There is poverty, caste, patriarchy, ableism, heteronormativity, racism, colorism, and several other oppressive systems that make it extremely difficult for people to live comfortably. Years of being told that you’re ugly or dirty will eventually make you believe that. Repeated rejections from people — failed romantic pursuits, family conflict, abusive relationships, being forced to do cheap/menial labour will hamper your self-worth at some point. Racist and casteist experiences, sexual violence/harassment, belittlement, and micro-aggressions will result in trauma. To expect someone to just snap out of it is not ok; to expect yourself to snap out of it is unfair. The society, the family, and the community have a collective responsibility towards everyone’s mental health.
Living authentically is a right: Like every other year, 2019 did not spare me from irresponsible comments from strangers, acquaintances, and loved ones alike. It has been a long fight and in all likelihood, it will continue to be. My trauma doesn’t allow me to take insensitive humour lightly. I don’t like being called ‘lame’ or ‘dumb’. I find them gross and not in the least funny. I don’t like being told how to be every fucking minute. It’s as simple as that; it’s got be as simple as that. For everyone. You have to have the freedom to be yourself; you’ve got to know how to live authentically.
Prayer helps: I’ve had a complicated relationship with the idea of God. I was born into a Christian family, whose fore-parents had converted into the religion for both spiritual and socio-economic reasons. I went to church quite regularly as a kid, and eventually became interested in theological explanations of the world. Over the years, however, my faith has waned. I can no longer bring myself to passionately believe in the divine. My trauma keeps coming in the way. My worldview too. Yet, in 2019, I decided to pray as regularly as possible. Read what I could from the bible, sing even. And it has helped my anxiety to some extent. I’m not sure if it will work for everyone, but for me, a little spirituality has helped me to walk some distance in 2019.
2020 starts off with a huge personal milestone for me. Fingers crossed it will usher in a good, full year.
